Its funny how I was in such a good mood just 40 minutes ago and how my mood changed so quickly.I'm just back from running.Doing my own useless and unhelpful training.Which obviously is not working at all.Maybe it would you know,if i'd start doing it properly.
I feel so angry and pissed at myself for even letting this thought in my brain.I feel like giving up.I guess.I feel like I really can't do it and maybe,just maybe this is impossible.Like I've been wrong all the while and that this wasn't what I could do.No matter how much I want it,how much I NEED it,it just wasn't meant for me ?
I know I definitely shouldn't give up no matter what.I'm not even supposed to think about it.Oh what am I doing really,trying to make myself feel better by typing this out,trying to encourage myself to not give up and hold on?Its so tempting,to just give up and let it all pass like it has never happened before.To acknowledge that its not for me and I'm just not meant to be a good runner.To stop worrying about the future and just live my life.
Every time I make it through an obstacle,another one comes by.Its just so unfair.Life is so unfair.You know how they say you shouldn't compare yourself to others because you are who you are.But sometimes you just can't help comparing yourself,and you'd feel so dull and useless.Then you'd try and tell yourself I can be like that too,and start working your ass off for it.When you think you're almost there,you're so close,you just need to work a little harder,then it comes,something happens that will knock you down and force you to rethink just how good you are.Then you'd realize you're so so far away from what you once thought you were so close too.You'd start wondering whether you'll ever make it.Everything just seems so tough and you can't seem to hold on much longer.To faith,to hope.Then there's that annoying voice inside your head,nagging you to give up because you can't make it.You'd try your best to ignore it,and at first,you succeed, but then that voice will get louder and louder and you just can't help ignoring it anymore.
But I know I can't give up.I know because once I do,I will be normal again,I will be just another face in the crowd,I will lose what I thought was me and I definitely can't BEAR, to disappoint everyone who has helped me,encouraged me,motivated me,support me and most of all,BELIEVED in me.How can I do such a horrible horrible thing.But its so hard,and that light at the end,is slowly but surely fading away.I hate this,all of this negativity.I hate it all.
