Mid-terms.

Wait,mid-terms ? What mid-terms ? 

I AM SO NOT PREPARED. 
And yet,here I am on this blog wasting my precious time.Good job Li May,really.

Sighhh.
I just need some motivation and I can't seem to find any.
Being so lazy nowadays I just have no idea why.
Let's just hope I find that motivation,fast.

Mid-terms are exactly a week away.

Oh yes,treasurer for this week's bayangan ! :)
I'm a happy kid.
Good luck form 5's,for your mid-terms starting this week !

A twist.

"Don't be sad,there is always a twist to everything.I know whats gonna happen.Don't cry.Smile."

Shifu,thank you so much.That really,really helped.You have no idea how much those words mean to me.You gave me hope.Helped me realise that all is not gone.I still have a fighting chance to prove my worth.Thank you.It was what I needed.I mean,wow it really sucks feeling like a leftover.While everyone else was busy with their bayangan,I'm just standing helplessly on the sidelines.Watching.Waiting.Wishing.Hoping that I'd be able to have my chance.To do the same.Just the way all the seniors came and asked me why I was still at the bengkel and not one of the top 13.Top 13.The way they said it seemed like I have already lost my chance.The way they were as surprised that I wasn't in the bayangan.And then Jia Tong had to tell me that the first bayangan were usually the confirmed ones.Sucks much.He was asking me to rethink why I didn't get in,saying I must have done something.Of course I did something,I did everything.I poured my heart and soul into this.All my time and energy.I just don't want it all to not work out.It just really doesn't make sense.They know how much I did for the board,they saw it themselves.But yet,this ? I'm so confused.Right now,I can only trust in shifu's words.That there will be a twist and it will be in my favour.May the odds,be ever in my favour.

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18/04/13

"There are billions and billions of stars in the night sky,but there is always a star which shine brighter than the others."

A twist huh ? Is this what he meant ? They announced the second round of bayangans today and I got the secretary post.Strangely,I know I should be happy and I know this was what I wanted but I don't feel happy.I don't know.I guess its because I wanted to be the person in this post for the first round of bayangan.But then I guess God had other plans for me.Is this what he planned ? If so,I am happy.Not very happy but just quite.But its okay.At least I have a chance now,better than nothing earlier.I have a strange feeling the G5 or maybe even all the seniors know I cried about this thing,cause today after announcing the bayangans,Yasmin was like smile Li May ! Haha.I honestly am wondering how they all found out.Because I honestly don't think shifu would be a person to tell them all these but I don't know la.Mostly I'm wondering how he found out.Its pretty embarassing that they all know about it but yeah,whatever.There is a part of me inside,who is praying and hoping and wishing and begging that this is not all what he meant by a twist.That there is more to the twist than this.Because if it is only this,it doesn't really change anything right.What I'm really hoping is the twist is that I will be in the Top 13.The real Top 13.Its crazy how much I want to be a part of the G5.Like seriously.Oh well,I'm just having faith.

We happened to have a rehearsal for the MAC today in the hall after recess.Just the feeling of being there to accept an award for our PMR results,its really really satisfying.I feel happy and it really hit me that,I actually managed to get straight As and I am one of 'em good students.Then because it was a full rehearsal,they had all the prize-presentation for the post-grads and Tokoh Murid who are not here.Pn.Mahnum came over to me and asked me to just be the Tokoh Murid for this rehearsal.But wow,the feeling of standing on the stage.Eventhough it wasn't my name which was being announced,eventhough it wasn't all my achievements that were being read out,eventhough it wasn't the pictures of me on the slide,it felt so real and nice.And that special moment today,that I was so lucky to have was honestly just a bigger motivation to me to get there.Because that is my ultimate goal,Tokoh Murid.It was what I planned ever since I was in form 2 and it has never changed since then.I know I have a chance because trust me,when I study hard,I can achieve things I never thought was possible.I know that because during the mid year exam once,I studied quite hard but still last minute and managed to get above 90 for all the subjects.So I know what I'm capable of.Its just that I'm lazy.But I'll get there,no slacking of any longer.I want that moment to be mine in two years time.When I was standing there,En.Anuar said this. "Tahun 2014,Li May jadi Tokoh Murid ya ? " And Pn.Mahnum nodded.Thank you teachers.I promise I will do everything I can.Because that was and always has been my ultimate goal from the start.My  ultimate goal was never just reaching MSSM.It has always been reaching MSSM,getting straight A+'s in SPM and getting Tokoh Murid.I have always wanted that for myself,to be the reason behind the big smiles behing my parent's faces and to feel all that happiness and sense of achievement.I will be their pride and joy.

And I will start now.

Have faith.Despite all the disappointments.

Having faith.Thats the only thing I can do right now.Having faith in God and just believing that I will make it.

So I kind of sort of maybe cried a little in class yesterday.It was embarassing.But I couldn't hold back the tears.Alright,I admit.It was partly because they announced the first round of lembaga bayangan candidates and I wasn't one of them.It sucks okay.I know they all said not to lose hope and it will change every week and everything.But honestly,if you guys were in my situation,I doubt you guys will feel alright about it either.After all the effort I spent on this.After sacrificing so much.It just sucks to know that your other batchmates don't think you're good enough for the top 13.Because this lembaga bayangan thing was based on votes from my own batchmates.It sucks even more to know that all the prefects in your class were chosen and you weren't one of them lucky ones.You feel so left out.I feel like leftovers.No, wait. I am.After all that talk about how I have really good chances,yeah it honestly doesn't seem like it now.

The main reason I cried was because  MSSS for track and field was supposed to be next week.And I wanted to be there.So so so badly.But I didn't make it,all because of one stupid fall.It turned everything upside down.I definitely don't think I got what I deserved.Because I know I worked my ass off for this and it feels so horrible to know that I didn't get what I felt I deserve.One fall.Everything went wrong.I feel like this year's MSSD was so pointless.I didn't achieve anything.At all.Just the thought of how if i actually qualified,I would be so busy with district training and preparations for MSSS.Just the thought of how I shouldn't be in school at that moment&how I should have been at USJ 23,training my butt off.It was more than enough to break me.I tried.Not to let the tears out.But I failed,so badly.

Most of my classmates thought it was because I didn't get into the lembaga bayangan.Well congratulations,yes it was partially because of that.Honestly I don't care what they would be saying behind my back.I know what I want and that is enough.All I wish for is for everything to be alright,for everything to work out.All I want is for the seniors and the teachers to believe in me.All I need is that elusive post,and the reassurance that I will make it there.

So right now,all I can do is

Living young,wild & free

I just got back from the most failed Sukan Tara ever.Stupid school had to have it in the afternoon just because they didn't want to disrupt our study time and of course that resulted in many students not coming.*sigh* 

Thank God,for there were quite a number of rumah biru participants.Thank you guys to those who came for rumah biru :') Just hope we can emerge as the overall champions for sukan tara and gain more points.I skipped my tuition for it y'know ? And it started raining.Not heavily la but moderately.Can't believe I only managed to get like 5 points for rumah biru.Well I ain't the best thrower,nor am I the best jumper so yeah.At least I got 3 points for 100M (y).It was so funny cause right after my race was Eva's race and I shouted at her to go slower in chinese and she started laughing halfway and went slower :p Can't believe that actually worked ! And she came up to me half-pissed after that saying how the teachers scolded her for laughing.Oops.

Was a fun sukan tara though,and wet one.Had this mini water war with Eva,Appala and Razan.Was so stupid ermahgerd.But hey,no harm being a little kid once in a while right ?There were people staring but honestly. 

 At least it shows we're young at heart.HEH.

Anyway,school was sort of fun today too,with Joanne,Jay and Cynnie being so high.We were all singing HSM songs.(I know,whut.) Laughed a whole lot in class,and we managed to complete all our homework ! That never happens.So its sort of a bloody miracle ngehe. 

I think,my change is working.I'm completing all my homework on time,doing everything.I can't even believe it myself.But change is good.

Cheers to living young,wild and free :) 

Hello April.

April 2nd,2013.

"I just want to be remembered."

Gosh this is gonna be a dreadful month.Preparing for the mid-term exams.Nerve-wracking important interviews.Projects.Homework.Worst of all, I have yet to see ANY break at all this whole month.Darn.

Let's just hope I pull through.Interviews.Prefect interviews.Shit.Did I mention I mess up easily ?Its supposed to be somewhere this week.I'm so not prepared.

Need to lots of catching up with my studies and running.Been slacking a hell lot.Hopefully I will be able to do well in mid term.Need to get really good results so my chances of being able to go to forum will increase hehehe.

By the way,I think,I THINK,I'm finally getting the hang of Physics YAAYYY (Y)
Bio ? I still have no clue what its all about.
I'll get there ;)

The Very Picture Of You

Don't you just love how the titles of my blog posts are pretty much always so irrelevant ? Haha.Well anyway.A lot of things have been on my mind lately.This past few days I've spent doing absolutely nothing at all.Nothing productive at least.I always tell myself I will change and work hard tomorrow.But tomorrow never comes.Thats what you call procrastination I suppose.I'm so bad at this.Expressing my feelings through words.I don't even know why I bother sometimes.God,this is so messed up.

I guess,I just want to change for the better and work hard towards my dreams.But I'm not really sure why it seems so hard.Its not really.Just take the initiative and do it.I guess I'm in a sort of dreamy kind of mood.I feel so out of this world.Its like my body is here but my mind,heart and soul is somewhere else.In this imaginary place where everything is just as how I want it to be.But in reality,we all know that can't happen unless you make it happen.

Which is why,I really need to change.To start making every single day count,to live life to its absolute fullest.Because nobody really knows how much time we have left to live our lives right ? I mean,one second we could be here on Earth and the next we could end up with this deadly accident and just die.So make it count.Thats what I was always trying to do.Make the few months I have left in high school count.To make more memories,to meet more amazing people,to go through more experiences and just to do more than just exist.To leave my mark on people,to be remembered.Not just to be someone who spent a few years in this world without ever really showing anything.Without ever really doing anything to be remembered.

And I know what I need to do to get there.I know what I want better than anyone else.I know where I want to be in life.I know what I want to achieve and what I have to do to achieve it.So I'm not gonna waste any more time because time is precious.I have one final shot at my dreams and it isn't going to waste no matter what.I'm gonna make it count and I have faith that I will.I'm just trying to put my doubts aside and letting my faith be bigger than my fears.Its never too late to change.

*gonna post about MSSD next :)

So MSSD Track and Field 2013 huh?Quite an experience I would say.Nothing much accomplished here.It was all down to bad luck.Bad luck that there was 20 people in a single 800M heat.Bad luck that I fell somehow.Not sure whether it was because I tripped or someone pushed me.But honestly it doesn't really matter now right ? I mean nothing's gonna change.I still lost.Yeah.Never thought a single fall could alter how I would perform for the rest of the events.Just that one fall.It did its damage alright.Really bad wounds on both my knees.I finished the race but lost the qualifications for the finals by just one second.Frustrating isn't it ? I mean if you think about all the possibilities if I didn't fall and if I just pushed myself a little harder.The thing I'm most mad about was how that fall affected my other events.Stupid wounds didn't allow me to bend my knees properly and I couldn't warm up or stretch properly for the remaining few events.Yeah I tried to just ignore the pain and forcefully bend my knee but it ended up bleeding again.Not a good idea I know.Still,at least I managed to finish running my other events.Boy did my knees attract a lot of attention haha.I was just like,this are my battle scars :p Nahh no I didn't do that.But it was a really really fun MSSD this time I would say.Have really gotten close to my athlete family this past few years and they were all so nice to me after I fell.Thank you so much guys,it means the world to me. Getting home really late,being the last school to leave the stadium,thinking of plans to ponteng school the next day,Harlem Shake in the bus,cheering for each other,camwhoring.It was amazing alright.So much memories made :)

Love this people with all my heart :)
We did badly this year,but we'll try harder next year.We'll show them.

Oh yeah,I found out that there is this one phrase that could pretty much make every athlete shed tears after he/she lost.
"You're still a winner in our hearts."

Thank you Ben and Dianah and everyone. :')
I'll win next year.Promise.

Cupids Fall

Lost,miserable,tired,exhausted,giving up.

Yeah that pretty much explains how I am now.I feel so stressed out with my studies.I mean I honestly don't get anything.What teacher is teaching,I don't get any of it.Especially physics and biology. Not one bit. I'm so upset and I'm so scared.March test is a week away and although I probably won't be here for it,I'm still scared.

I just need this month long break.To figure out everything I fail to understand.To catch up.But time waits for no one right.And with every week,I'm feeling more and more lost.I just need everything to stop.I need everything to slow down.Its all going past way too quickly.

Oh,why won't I be here for the March test you ask ? Well thats because my track and field district championships is clashing with the test.Its on the exact same days.I wouldn't say I'm upset about it though,because running is the only thing keeping me sane now.Keeping me from madness.I'm so thankful for it.Without it,I wouldn't know what to do with my life.

About MSSS merentas desa a few weeks ago.Lets just say I didn't perform well.Got no.25. Out of 78 others. And you know,at first,to me,it was considered alright.Not too good neither too bad.I mean it is my first time you know.But apparently my dad and coaches don't think its good enough.They have high expectations,I get it.They want me to succeed,I get it.But at least have some encouraging words ? All I wish they would say is,how its okay and how i already tried my best.Not make me feel worst.

But it doesn't really matter.I need to improve.A lot.In order for me to get there.To my ultimate dream.I know.It just seems so hard.Its scary,being so close,but so far away from my dream.